


Abstinence can suck it

by Craftybadger1234



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abstinence, Angst, Drunk Sex, Dubious Consent, Forgiveness, M/M, Miscommunication, Past Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Switching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 13:37:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11945370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Craftybadger1234/pseuds/Craftybadger1234
Summary: Harry wants to try periodic abstinence. Draco agrees with the title.*This is a little choppy and gets a little rough, but it's all right in the end.*





	Abstinence can suck it

**Author's Note:**

> A/N added 8/3/18 - This didn't turn out like I wanted but I've left it up in case it inspires someone else to do it better. The idea was that het couples go through periodic abstinence for reasons, and that it's a nice relationship builder. You get to focus on aspects of your relationship (both physical and emotional) without sex clouding things up. Gay men wouldn't really have this opportunity and I wondered what that was like. 
> 
> Draco doesn't take it very well, feeling lost and rejected when Harry suggests abstinence. He has to learn that he can be appreciated and loved without offering up sex in return. Sorry it didn't turn out great. I was still rather new when I wrote it (and in many ways I'm still new at writing!) but I don't have the time to fix this because the next great story idea is calling.

Harry tumbled out of the floo, calling out, “Draco! Where are you? I’m back!” He kicked off his shoes and began pulling off his shirt as he searched the flat. 

“Harry! I’m back here!” Draco called from the bedroom they shared.

Harry scrambled through the door, shedding his trousers as he went. He paused briefly, in pants and socks, by the bed to take in the sight of his delicious boyfriend splayed out naked as the day he was born.

“Holy fuck, you are a sight for sore eyes!” 

“And you are overdressed. Get over here now!” 

Harry yanked off his pants and fell into bed. Immediately Draco straddled him, hands running all over his body.

“A week is too bloody long to be apart. Next conference I'm coming with you, or else you can tell them to fuck off.”

“Agreed. Fuck, how I missed your mouth!” Harry kissed Draco hard and deep. Hands plunged into his hair, tugging his head back and exposing his neck. Draco sucked hard on the skin above his collarbone, making Harry moan.

Eight months they’d been living together. Sharing a bed. Fucking at every opportunity. 

And still, Harry couldn’t get his fill of the gorgeous man in his lap. 

Draco writhed against him, his erection dripping on Harry’s stomach, and Harry only wanted more. Craved the warm skin in his hands, the hot mouth on his skin. He needed to bury himself in Draco until he didn’t know where Draco ended and he began.

Harry’s hands squeezed the flesh of Draco’s arse. He traced down his cleft, finding his hole dripping and loose. “Oh fuck, Draco…”

“I’ve been waiting for you. Oh yes, fuck Harry, just like that. Please. Fuck!” Draco moaned as he took Harry’s cock inside, slowly, carefully, until Harry couldn’t go any deeper. They pressed their foreheads together, breathing hard. “Now,” Draco whispered, “fuck me like you mean it.”

Harry groaned and rolled them so Draco was on his back. He squeezed hard on the creamy thighs as he pushed them apart, his hips pistoning into Draco with all the force he could manage.

He drank in the moans spilling from Draco’s mouth. “You are so beautiful.” Another deep groan as Harry hit Draco’s prostate over and over. “Sorry, love, but I’m not going to last. Oh fuck, Draco!” Harry’s body went rigid as his orgasm washed over him, coming deep and hard inside Draco.

“Yes love, don’t stop. So close!” Draco reached between their bodies and fisted his cock with a wild fury until he was coming between them. Wrung out, Harry collapsed onto Draco. 

They lay unmoving until Harry felt the first tendrils of sleep. He shook himself a bit and peeled himself off Draco. With his wand, he cleaned them both up, then tucked them into bed.

Draco spooned up against Harry with a whispered, “I’m glad you’re home.”

“Mmm… me too. Goodnight love.” Harry kissed Draco’s temple and let sleep claim him.

\--------

Harry expected to sleep clear through lunch after the long, difficult week he’d had, but as usual he was up shortly after sunrise. He slipped out of bed, leaving Draco to sleep while he made breakfast.

After throwing on some pyjama bottoms and a comfortable t-shirt, he made his way to the kitchen. He was surprised to find Draco had gone shopping without him so the pantry was well stocked. He fried up eggs, bacon, and tomato slices, and prepared toast and tea.

He was just finishing up setting the table when Draco wandered in sleepily.

“The bed is cold without you,” Draco said with a soft kiss to Harry’s neck.

“Sorry, I woke up ready for breakfast.”

“No, all week. I’m glad you’re home.”

“Me too. I hate being away, especially so long.”

They sat together at the table, nibbling on breakfast while trading goofy smiles and small touches. Harry went on about the conference he attended and Draco complained about his research.

“I didn’t realize I missed this.”

“Breakfast?”

“No. It’s - not my trip or anything.” He scrunched his nose, “Just, not having sex so often. How that feels.” He shrugged, “I don’t know how to explain.”

“Obviously. Why wouldn’t you want sex everyday?”

“When I was with Ginny,” he ignored Draco’s eye roll, “we didn’t have sex all the time, you know? Like during her… you know, girly time.”

“Girly time? Ew, gross, Potter. The advantage to being with a bloke is I never have to think about ‘girly time’ ever again.”

“Yeah but it was kind of nice, holding off on sex, and then there’s the wild frenzy when it’s over. I didn’t realize I missed it.”

“That’s ridiculous. Sex everyday is much better than no sex. Abstinence can suck it.”

Harry laughed, “Sometimes we don’t have sex!”

“Well, yes, when one of us is under the weather or we’ve had a long day but if you want to, why wouldn’t you? I’m not _not_ having sex when I want it and it’s available.”

“You could go without for a few days.”

“What? No! You just got home. I’m not giving up sex now!”

“No, not now. But maybe sometime later on.” At Draco’s look of disgust, Harry laughed again. “Just think about it, git. It wouldn’t kill you.”

“I’m pretty sure it will, and then you’ll have to put on my tombstone, ‘died from lack of sex’ and then everyone will know what a terrible boyfriend you were. Better not to risk it.”

Harry kissed Draco’s pouty mouth until he relaxed into Harry. “Finish your breakfast, we have lost time to make up for!”

\--------

A few weeks later, Harry and Draco were settled in for a quiet evening at home. Harry sprawled on one end of the sofa reading a trashy romance, while Draco lay lengthwise with his feet in Harry’s lap. He flipped, disinterested, through his latest copy of _Potions Weekly_.

Harry snorted, startling Draco from his daydreaming. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing specific. It’s just, sometimes I wonder if the author has ever even had sex before. This one is not particularly good. No wonder Pansy let me steal it. She keeps all the good ones for herself.”

“Selfish cow. On the other hand, the poor thing needs the entertainment since Theo never stops working. You don’t want to read what she’s getting off to, do you?”

“Thank you for that lovely image. I was going to suggest we do without for tonight but now I need you to kiss it all away.”

“No sex? Stop being ridiculous. Read your book out loud to me.”

“What? No. It’s stupid.”

“I don’t care. Tell me and I’ll do what it says, only, you know, better.” Draco wagged his eyebrows at Harry and rubbed his foot on Harry’s hardening prick. The return smile warmed Draco, as it always did.

“I cannot read this tripe with a straight face,” Harry said as he tossed the book aside. “Forget it, you’ll have to improvise.”

“I think I can do that,” Draco replied with a wicked grin.

Draco pulled Harry over him. He ran his hands down Harry’s back, then up under his t-shirt, sliding it off as he went back up. The golden skin, marred by scars here and there, always made Draco’s mouth water. He buried his face in Harry’s neck, inhaling deeply. The warmth of the body pressing into his combined with Harry’s unique scent had Draco hard in moments.

“What do you want?” Draco asked.

“You. Anyway I can get you,” Harry replied. He sat up so he could remove Draco’s jeans and pants. He yanked off Draco’s shirt, then pushed him back on the sofa. Draco rocked his naked hips against Harry’s jeans, moaning at the feel of the rough fabric on his skin.

“Don’t you want to take those off?”

“Later. I want to savor you first. Once my jeans come off, I know you’ll pounce.”

“Damn straight I will. We should move to the bed. More room to maneuver.”

“No, this is fine.” Harry kissed his way down Draco’s neck and torso. He licked around Draco’s nipples, then nuzzled into his belly button to make him laugh. “So very fine,” he said as he licked up Draco’s hard cock.

Small tickling licks on Draco’s cock turned into long firm ones, and that turned into sucking and nibbling that had Draco squirming. He sighed in relief when Harry finally sucked the whole length into his mouth. He moved slowly up and down Draco’s length, making him shiver. 

“Fuck, Harry, that is perfect!” He slid one leg to the floor, opening himself up. “Touch me.”

“Not this time.” Harry stood and flicked his wand to summon the lube. He looked like a god of sex, hair and eyes wild, lips glistening, erection straining against his zip. Draco could happily wank to that image for the rest of his life. 

Harry handed the jar to Draco then stripped off his clothes. Wasting no time, Draco slicked his fingers while Harry knelt on the floor with his head resting on his folded arms on the sofa.

“You look so beautiful, opened for me.” Draco gave a small moan when his fingers first breached Harry. Everything was slick and hot. A fresh wave of arousal washed over him with every moan from Harry's lips. He dropped kisses on Harry's neck and shoulders, and teased and pinched whatever else he could reach. 

He entered Harry with great care, relishing the clench of muscle around his prick. Harry groaned when Draco made a few shallow thrusts. Draco ran his hands up Harry's back, down his arms, and linked their fingers. 

“Tell me how much you love it,” he whispered in Harry's ear. “Tell me you need me.”

“Yes, fuck, Draco. I need you so much. So good.” He moaned again, pressing back against Draco. “That's so good. Fuck me harder.”

“Don't you want to draw it out? Let me fuck you until you're aching from it? Don't you want to feel it tomorrow?”

“Yes! I want everything. All of it. All of you!”

“I love it when you beg me. We'll let this be quick, and take our time later. You'll let me fuck you again, won't you Harry? Because you're mine. All mine!” Draco thrust harder, faster until he came suddenly, hands grasping tight to Harry's hips. As he slowed his thrusts, he reached for Harry's cock to bring him off. Harry moaned out his orgasm, clenching around Draco’s softening cock. 

“So good, love,” Draco said as he pulled out. “Let me take you to bed, take care of you properly.”

Harry cast the cleaning charms and banished their clothes to the laundry bin. He hugged Draco tight then kissed him slowly, gently.

He nuzzled into Draco’s neck while his hands roamed. He whispered, “It's not enough. It's never enough. I'll always need more of you.”

“You're mine, Harry. Always. Come on, let’s go to bed.”

Draco led a smiling Harry to their room. 

\--------

The next morning was the usual frenzy of getting ready for work. No matter how early Harry woke, it was never early enough to get everything done for him to leave on time. Draco was no help, since he kept his own hours in a private lab. He enjoyed calmly sipping his tea while Harry scrambled about. 

“Still meeting me for lunch?”

“Yes. As long as nothing goes wrong with the pepper-up variant this morning.”

“Great. See you then.” Harry gave him a quick kiss then coughed out “Ministry of Magic” as he tumbled through the floo. Draco rolled his eyes. Who knew where he would end up now. Harry would have an easier time if he apparated more often but it was still his least favorite form of travel. 

Draco finished his breakfast then took his time getting ready for the day. He worked in a private lab, brewing odds and ends for Blaise Zabini to sell in his small shop, and otherwise working on experimental potions. He enjoyed the flexible hours, especially since Harry occasionally kept erratic hours. Sundays they always kept free from work, alternating brunch at Malfoy Manor with dinner at the Burrow.

Today was Friday and they had a standing lunch date. Sometimes they met in a cafe, sometimes it was a picnic in a nearby park. Occasionally they ate in Draco’s office or Harry's office in the Auror department. It was Draco’s favorite meal of the week, which made no sense as they were frequently rushed by Harry’s work or distracted by the location. And Harry saw to it that they shared most meals, eating breakfast or dinner together nearly every day. But for some reason, this lunch in the middle of the work day was Draco’s favorite.

Draco apparated the short distance to his lab. He quickly set about with his normal routine, checking the potions under stasis, watering his plants, pulling notes and ingredients for the day. It was meditative work that he found soothing. No one ever came to his lab and if they did, they stayed in the outer office. This space was his, and his alone, and it never ceased to calm him. Even when things unexpectedly blew up.

He brewed pepper-up and its variant until nearly lunch time, pleased with the results. He was boxing up Blaise’s portion when Harry’s patronus made an appearance.

“I’m running late. Pick something up for us?” it said in Harry’s voice.

Draco smiled fondly at his over-worked boyfriend and sent off his patronus with an affirmative. He stopped by a local cafe for sandwiches and crisps before apparating to the Ministry.

Harry’s office was messier than usual, with files opened and spread all over his desk. When Draco arrived, Harry flicked his wand at the mess to obscure all the writing. 

“Thanks for coming here. I inherited an ongoing case and the files for it are a mess. I wish you could help organize but, security, you know.” Harry kissed Draco and sat with him in the spare chairs. Harry conjured a small table to set the food on. “How was your morning?”

“Excellent! The variant looked good. I sent some to Blaise to test with his group but it looks like it’ll work fairly well. The steam output should be considerably less, although the potion itself won’t warm for as long. I think it’s a fair trade-off.”

“That’s great. Glad it went well. Mmm, avocado! Good choice!” Harry looked delectable as he licked a bit of mustard off his lip. 

“I thought you’d like that.” Draco smiled and wiped his own mouth with his napkin. “I got an owl from Mother this morning. She’s going to have to cancel our brunch this Sunday. She wanted to know if we could come Monday for dinner instead. Something to do with Andromeda, I think?”

“Yeah she’s taking Teddy on a small holiday to the beach. I guess she decided to invite your mother after all. But, yeah, Monday is fine with me.” Harry grabbed a bit of parchment to make note of the dinner and used a sticking charm to paste it to the wall with his other reminders. 

“Great, I will let her know. That means we have Sunday free. What should we do?”

Harry’s eyes lit up. “We could hang around in our pyjamas all day.”

“Boring! Oh! Let’s go camping and have wild outdoor sex.”

“I hate camping,” Harry said with a frown.

“You hate muggle camping. Wizard camping is loads better.” Draco’s head was already spinning with plans. 

“I’ve been wizard camping,” Harry said with a grimace.

“No, it’ll be great! I’ll take the afternoon off and get some things together. We can leave tonight and be back home on Sunday since we both have to work Monday.”

“Draco…” Harry whined.

“Stop whining, it’ll be fun. It’s just two nights. Besides, you like my ideas,” Draco said with a wink.

Harry rolled his eyes and planted a smacking kiss on Draco. “Fine, wanker, I’ll go camping with you. But it better be good!”

“Best camping trip of your life!”

“Well the competition isn’t exactly stiff there.”

\--------

Draco was brimming with excitement as he left the Ministry. First order of business was to apparate to the Manor to pick up his family’s tent. He needed to air it out and see what else it needed to be fully stocked. This trip would be perfect, for Harry.

Over the eleven months they’d been dating, Draco had done his best to replace troubled memories of the war with warm memories of the two of them. Some things worked, and others didn’t, but he kept at it because it was Draco’s secret mission in life to fix all of Harry’s ills. 

Having a grand camping trip wouldn’t exactly replace the months Harry spent chasing after horcruxes but he could at least make a happy memory.

Draco found the tent, and with the help of one of the Manor elves, managed to get it assembled with little trouble. He was fairly sure he could manage it with Harry once they were alone. Inside, he and the elf freshened the linens, cleaned the furniture, and took stock of the supplies. Draco collapsed it back into its pack and the elf took it to his flat.

Next, Draco went to the grocery store. He preferred to do his shopping with Harry along to chat with but he could manage on his own. The only real trouble he had was with the muggle money. Why were there so many coins and bills? Maybe it was silly for a grown man to neglect learning this simple skill, but he knew it made Harry happy to take care of it. When it came time to pay, he glamoured himself, put on a fake American accent, and pretended to have trouble with the “foreign dollars.” The kind cashier took what he hoped was the appropriate amount and waved him on his way.

Back in his flat, he packed their things. In went comfortable clothes for hiking, sleeping, and playing. He added a deck of cards and a book of humorous essays written by a pureblood trying to blend with the family of his muggleborn wife. He considered his travel chess set but it had never been Harry’s favorite game. He decided instead to blow the cobwebs off their brooms and added those to the pile.

Finally, he popped by a Thai restaurant for some curry they could share for dinner so neither of them had to cook or clean the kitchen. 

Everything sat ready and waiting. About an hour later, Harry came through the floo, with a smile for Draco. He loved that special smile Harry saved just for him. He kissed Harry as he helped him out of his Auror uniform.

“Are you ready for the best camping trip of your life?”

“Are you sure we have to go camping? Can’t we just fool around on the grounds at the Manor? That’s outdoors.”

“Beast. We are not fooling around where the elves can report back to my parents.”

“Draco, you’re twenty-eight years old and we’ve been living together for almost nine months. I think they know you’re having sex.”

Draco stuck his fingers in his ear, “La la la la I know you're lying to me.” He grabbed Harry’s cheeks for a smacking kiss. “Now let’s eat so we can go!”

\--------

Draco was pleased with the weekend. They spent time flying, cooking (and burning) food over an open fire, swam in the lake. And fucked like mad both inside and outside the tent. They returned home relaxed and dirty.

Harry preferred to put off unpacking for as long as possible but Draco liked everything to be in its place. So he summoned an elf from the Manor to take care of the tent, then unpacked their dirty clothes, and sent the leftover food to the kitchen.

Harry dragged him back to the sitting room and pulled him down on the couch to share lazy kisses.

“You were right, that was a great camping trip.”

“You know I don’t like to say ‘I told you so,’ but... ‘I told you so.’” 

Harry laughed. “Your ideas are good ones. Have you thought about my idea?”

“What idea?”

“You know, about a few days of no sex.”

“Wait, you were serious about that?”

“Er, yeah?”

“Why would you want to do that? I thought we agreed that having sex was better than not having sex.”

“Well, yeah. But I want to be with you, without sex, to, you know, build up anticipation, or something.” Harry sounded hesitant to Draco’s ears, hopefully realizing what a horrible idea this was.

“I don’t get it.”

“It’s like, a few days without sex, it makes everything different. I want to try it. With you.”

Draco’s face screwed up in confusion, “Haven’t you had enough of abstinence? We had to go without all the time before we moved in here and it sucked. Now that we’re together together, we should be able to have sex all the time.”

“It’s just maybe three days? You can go three days without, can’t you?”

“I _can_ but I don’t think I should have to. No sex is for single, ugly people. Since we are neither, I should have sex whenever I want.”

“So you don’t want to.”

“No. I don’t. And honestly I don’t get why you would want to.” Draco’s heart started to race as the near-argument escalated. Did Harry not want him anymore? 

“Because I’ve done it before and I liked it. And I think it would be good for us.”

“I can’t imagine how no sex can be better than sex.”

“Fine. I won’t bring it up again. I don’t want you, you know, doing something you don’t want to.” Harry wriggled off the sofa, heading for their room.

Anxiety clawed at Draco. “Wait, Harry… talk to me.”

“It’s fine. I’m just going to get a shower. The tent’s shower wasn’t as good as ours here is.” Harry returned briefly to kiss Draco lightly on the cheek, warming him all over but not quite relieving him of his anxiety.

Harry was quiet for the rest of the afternoon. He turned in early, citing lack of sleep over the weekend and the early work day tomorrow as the cause. Draco, unprepared for the early bedtime, scrambled to close up the house for the night so he could follow. He set the tea things out for the morning, cleaned the dishes remaining in the sink, and set the night wards up. He shot a freshening charm at Harry’s Auror robes and hung them on the hook by the floo. By the time he made it to their room, Harry was already in bed, back to Draco.

Feeling off-kilter, Draco slid into bed behind Harry. He wrapped his arm around Harry’s waist, feeling him stiffen ever so slightly.

“Harry? Is something wrong?”

A long silence greeted him but Draco waited it out. Sometimes it took Harry a while to open up, after growing up with no one to care about his feelings.

“I know you’re upset. Tell me why.”

Harry sighed, “It’s stupid.”

“Your feelings are never stupid. Now tell me. Just finish the sentence, ‘My feelings are hurt because…’”

“Because I - I wanted to try something and you said no.”

Silence settled around them while Draco’s thoughts raced. 

“The abstinence? It really means so much to you?”

Harry rolled so he was facing Draco, their legs entwined. “It’s something I want. For us. And you threw it back at me. Repeatedly.”

“I’m sorry.” Draco took Harry’s hand in the dark. “If it means so much to you, we can - can give it a try.”

“Because you want to, or because you want me to feel better?”

“Why can’t it be both?”

“Okay,” Harry said with a sigh. 

Draco felt Harry’s body relax so he asked, “When?”

“Maybe Wednesday through Friday? It’s the first three days of the month. That seems like a good time, yeah?”

“Okay. But until then, we can have our fun?”

“Yeah.”

“Can we start now?”

Harry chuckled softly, “Yeah. We can start now.”

\--------

The beginning of the week progressed normally. They ate dinner with Lucius and Narcissa on Monday evening, sharing the shareable parts of their camping trip, to much laughter. Harry went to work at the Ministry, and Draco went to his lab. They traded work woes over dinner, relaxed in the sitting room in the evening, and had sex each night.

Curled up together on Tuesday night, Harry asked, “Are you still okay about tomorrow?”

“Not really. But I think I can manage.”

“That’s my good boy.” Harry kissed him soundly. “It’s not so bad, you’ll see.”

“Yeah, yeah. So you say.” He kissed Harry again and bade him a soft goodnight.

\--------

Draco would never admit it but he was nervous about that evening. It was one thing to go without sex when you weren’t sharing a living space or when he or Harry were sick. But what would it be like to share a bed, feel his body, smell his scent, and do nothing? Draco was getting hard just thinking about Harry in his bed. He would never be able to last the night at this rate.

He briefly considered a potion to dull his libido but decided that would be worse. He’d rather have an erection and not do anything about it, than to have no erection and let Harry think he didn’t want him. Besides, maybe Harry would change his mind about this ridiculous request and they could have wild sex over the kitchen table.

After ironically ruining two batches of calming draught due to nerves, Draco decided to call it an early day. He secured his lab and apparated home.

He sent his work robes to the laundry and headed to the shower to wash off any residual brewing detritus. As he soaped his body, he decided he may as well have a quick wank, to make the evening easier to bear. He wrapped his hand, slickened with his citrus conditioner, around his hard cock and worked himself with steady strokes.

He imagined Harry in there with him, black hair wet and plastered to his forehead. His wicked smile as he wrapped red lips around Draco’s cock. The only time Harry let him come on his face was in the shower, where it was easy to clean. After all, no one wanted a cleaning charm near their eyes. He pictured Harry’s golden skin with streaks of white all over. Across his lips, down his chin. Then Harry, head tipped back, letting water run down his face and chest to wash it all away. 

Draco’s hand picked up speed until he came across the shower tiles. He rinsed the walls, then finished washing up, hoping it was enough to keep him in check this evening. Dressed in comfortable lounging clothes, he waited less than patiently for Harry to return. With shaky hands he poured himself a generous portion of firewhiskey. It helped calm him so he decided on a second one as well. He was ready to start pacing when the floo sounded and Harry rolled through.

“Hey gorgeous,” Harry said with a wide smile. He wrapped Draco in a warm hug.

“Good day at work?”

“Mmm, yes. I thought of you all day,” Harry said as he nibbled Draco’s ear.

“Have you - have you changed your mind? About tonight?”

“No. I was just thinking of you today and wanted you to know. Make dinner with me?”

Harry threw his Auror robes over the back of a chair in the dining room and kicked off his shoes. Draco banished the shoes to their room, and hung the robes on their hook by the fireplace. He found Harry digging through the pantry for dinner ingredients, humming happily.

Harry smiled as Draco came in and asked, “What do you feel like? Honestly, I’d be happy with just a salad. What about you?”

“Sure, salad sounds good,” Draco replied, butterflies dancing in his stomach. He hadn’t been able to eat lunch due to nerves and knew whatever they made for dinner would sit mostly untouched. “Maybe I’ll make cheese toasties to go with it?” 

“Perfect.” Harry smiled and kissed Draco’s cheek. Draco leaned into it briefly before turning to the breadbox. He took a few quiet, calming breaths before slicing the bread into thick slices.

“How was your day? Lab work okay?”

“Not particularly. I was a bit distracted so I came home early. Blaise said he’d be putting an order in tomorrow or Friday so I’ll just wait until then to brew again.”

“Not working on any new things?”

Draco shrugged, “Perhaps next week.”

They fell into their regular routine of cooking and talking. By the time they sat down to eat, Draco was feeling a little more relaxed. But during their meal, Harry kept up the smiles along with the chatter, and added light touches with hands and feet. It confused Draco, making him nervously pick at his food instead of eating. Were they having sex later or not? Why all the foreplay if not? 

After dinner, Harry opened a bottle of wine for them to share and got out a deck of cards. They frequently enjoyed playing a variation of whist for two people only this time, Harry suggested trading kisses after each trick. The loser had to kiss a part of the winner’s body, excluding lips. The game moved at a torturous pace and Draco wasn’t sure if he wanted to win tricks or not. Harry’s mouth was a delicious, hot brand on his skin but he also wanted to drown himself in Harry’s scent. After three rounds, Draco had consumed most of the bottle of wine by himself and Harry had claimed victory. The evening ended with Draco drunk, painfully hard, and more confused than ever.

Harry practically carried him to bed, stripping him down because Draco couldn’t manage his clothes on his own. Harry spooned up behind him, his erection pressing against Draco, and whispered, “Goodnight love.”

Goodnight? That’s it? Draco was angry and aroused and ready to start firing off hexes. What the fuck kind of game was Harry playing here? How was Draco suppose to sleep with his prick throbbing like that? Didn’t Harry want to take care of his own erection? What was Draco good for if not to help Harry with things like that? And the worry that had tickled at the back of his brain all day, was there someone else?

With an angry growl, Draco rolled into Harry and smashed their lips together. It was sloppy and wet, but Draco didn’t care. He ground his hips against Harry and tugged hard on Harry’s hair.

“Draco! Stop!” Harry stuttered out. “Draco!”

But Draco didn’t want to hear it. He had reached the limit of his control and he needed Harry now. He fought back against hands trying to restrain him. He bit and licked at the skin he could reach, all the while rocking his hips against Harry. 

“Draco! Stop it! You don’t want this! I don’t want this!”

“I do want this. Want you!” Draco took both their cocks in hand and stroked fast. Harry pulled his hands away but Draco twisted out of his grip. “You want this. Look how hard you are for me, Harry. Fuck!”

Draco’s nerves were shot and the alcohol wouldn’t let him concentrate. He should have eaten more or drunk less. But it was too late for that. He only knew he wanted this. He did. And Harry did too. He needed Draco.

“Draco, please stop!” Harry tried twisting away but Draco chased after, grasping at him desperately. He pinned Harry, face down, to the mattress and rutted against his arse.

“No, you need this. Need me.” Draco felt a fever rise up in him, although he wasn’t sure if it was alcohol or arousal. He awkwardly held Harry’s wrists with one of his hands. With the other, he tried to press into Harry to open him up for Draco’s cock. It was not a good angle but it was made easier when Harry stopped struggling against him. He heard Harry whisper the incantation to conjure lube. Neither of them liked it as much as the real thing, as it was more sticky than slick, but it was better than nothing. If Harry conjured it, surely it was all right?

Hands shaking, Draco lined himself up and entered Harry with as much care as he could manage given his state of mind. His head swam and his stomach roiled. He was dizzy and lost. What was he doing? His movements faltered until he stopped completely.

“Just finish it.”

With a choked sob, Draco ran his hands up Harry’s arms, trying to link their fingers. But Harry held his hands tight in a fist. Draco settled for gripping his wrists, perhaps a little too hard. He rested his head between Harry’s shoulder blades, fucking into him with a broken rhythm. He came unexpectedly, a hot rush of heat that brought no pleasure, poisoned as it was by fear and rejection. Draco collapsed on Harry’s back, shaking in the aftermath. 

“Harry, my Harry. I’m so sorry.”

“Get off me.”

Draco could only nod, fighting back tears as he slid off Harry to the bed. Harry stalked across the room to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Seconds later, Draco heard the shower start.

Draco left the bed on shaky legs and looked for pyjamas to wear. He found a set of Harry’s pyjamas too, and opened the bathroom door a tiny crack to set them on the counter while Harry showered. While he was at it he lit few candles with a calming scent and changed the sheets on their bed. He heard the shower cut off and a few seconds later a bright, white light shone under the door. What was that?

He curled up in bed, propped against the headboard, to wait but it took nearly twenty minutes for Harry to come out of the bathroom. He didn’t look at Draco as he left the room, making Draco’s heart sink further. He heard Harry in the kitchen and debated following. It would be best to talk about this now. But he was disgusted with himself, of his behavior. Tears finally fell but he wiped them away viciously. He didn’t deserve tears.

He would go to the kitchen. Would submit himself to Harry. He would take whatever punishment Harry deemed necessary. He was a terrible person and he deserved whatever he got.

Draco was making his way through the sitting room when a tap, tap at the window made him turn. Ron and Hermione’s owl was at the window with a tiny parchment tied to her leg. Draco let her in and she flew to Harry, sipping tea at the dining room table like nothing was wrong. Calmly, Harry unrolled the parchment and with barely a glance at whatever was written on it, set it on fire. Ash settled over the table and his mug of tea.

“Hermione needs me. I have to go.”

“Harry wait, please. I need - “

But Draco didn’t get to tell him what he needed. With a sharp crack, Harry apparated away.

\--------

Draco thought he could handle Harry’s punishment but he couldn’t have anticipated Harry leaving him completely. There was no sign of him at all on Thursday. Draco didn’t even know where he was. Harry ignored his owls, didn’t respond to his patronus messages. When Draco went to Harry’s office, he was told Harry was out for the entire day. He tried contacting Ron and Hermione but received no response from them either.

He wandered their flat, mostly drunk and frequently crying, wondering what the fuck he was doing with his life. How could he have thrown away everything that meant anything to him?

Was Harry ever coming back to him?

He spent the night with too much vodka and not enough Harry.

\--------

On Friday morning, Draco dragged himself into his lab. The order and routine of the lab were usually soothing. Rather than trying to brew anything, he simply cleaned and organized. He made note of what ingredients were running low, scrubbed his brewing supplies, and babied his neglected ferns.

He was focusing on transcribing some notes when there was a loud crack of apparition in his office. Draco shrieked and knocked the ink off his desk.

Harry.

Harry was here in his office. Draco shot to his feet but then stood awkwardly staring, not sure what to say or do.

“Hey,” Harry said quietly.

“Harry. You’re here.”

Harry stepped forward and hugged Draco’s stiff body. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

Draco melted against Harry. “Stupid git, what do you have to be sorry for? I’m the one that should be apologizing.” Tears burned in his eyes again as he whispered, “I am sorry. So very sorry, Harry.”

“I know. I am too. I shouldn't have left you. But I didn't know what - ” Harry held Draco tight for long minutes. “I love you, you know?”

Draco sighed heavily in relief. “I love you too.”

“You know I hate camping, right?”

“I - I know,” Draco responded, confused by the change in topic.

“No, I mean I really fucking hate camping.”

Draco pulled away from Harry, sitting on his sofa. “I know. I’m sorry I made you go. I didn’t - “

“Don’t be sorry. I had a good time. Really, I did. It’s just…” He trailed off but Draco resisted filling the silence. Harry sat next to him on the sofa and took his hand. “I went for you. It was something you wanted, something you were excited about, and I went because I wanted to make you happy.”

“Okay.” Draco waited. There had to be more. What was he missing?

“I’ve done a lot of things for you. In fact, I’ve done every single thing you’ve asked of me, no matter how much I didn’t want to.”

“You,” Draco swallowed hard, “you liked those things.”

“Not all of them.”

It was true. Although Harry had never once asked to stop, there were games they played that he didn’t like. He enjoyed the dragon ride that did not involve escape from angry Goblins. He did not enjoy any kind of sensory deprivation, after being on high alert for so many years. But he’d tried it anyway. For Draco.

“I’ve only ever asked you to do one thing. And you - you weren’t very nice about it.”

“I’m sorry. So sorry. Please forgive me Harry.”

“I have. I could have stopped you, I suppose, but everything was such a jumble and it was confusing and I don’t know. You just seemed like you needed it and I felt like I’d failed you so I - I just let you.” He stroked Draco’s hair and gave him a soft smile. “You know I’ve never been good with words and I guess I didn’t explain myself well enough in the first place.”

“You were pretty clear that you didn’t want sex.” Guilt, raw and hot, shot through Draco. 

“I know. But I’ve had some time to think about it and - and I'm sorry but I talked with Hermione about it. She helped me put together what I wanted to say.” He paused to take a few deep breaths. He smiled again and stroked Draco’s hand. “I think you misunderstood me. Before.” Harry pulled him close so Draco’s head rested on Harry’s shoulder. “I know you’re trying to save me.”

Draco tensed up but Harry rubbed circles on his back until he relaxed again.

“And I let you because I like how you take care of me. You think after nine months living together I don't know my Auror robes go on the hook by the fireplace?” Harry laughed quietly. “But sometimes, I think you get lost in caring for me and you forget about yourself. And I want - want to take care of you sometimes.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know you like to be useful. To have purpose. You like to organize the things around you so that everything runs smoothly according to your plan. And I know you worry that if you’re not useful to me, I will discard you like you’ve been discarded in the past.”

Draco whispered, “I don’t think that’s true.”

But it was. Draco knew that it was. He needed to be needed. By Harry.

“I don’t keep you around for sex, Draco. I don’t keep you because you are useful. I keep you because you are special. You are funny and clever and beautiful and exciting. And I want the chance to show you. I want to touch you. Kiss you. Talk to you. Hold you. But only because I want to and not because you’re having sex with me.”

His lips brushed Draco’s temple, down his cheek, meeting his lips. Harry kissed him slowly, carefully, as if he knew Draco was delicate as spun sugar.

“Will you let me?” Harry whispered softly in his ear.

Draco, his throat too swollen to speak, could only nod. Harry kissed behind his ear, down his neck. His hands caressed his cheek and into his hair.

“Tonight,” Harry continued, “I want to worship you with my hands, my mouth, my body. I want to kiss and touch all of your skin. I want you soft and pliant in my arms. I want to come so deep inside you that you know with every fiber of your being that you are mine and I am yours.”

Draco shuddered as pleasure coursed through him. “Yes. Please.”

“But tomorrow - tomorrow we’ll try again. You’re going to let me smile and kiss and touch. I’m going to enjoy all of you, but only up to a point. No sex, all right? Just the one night, so you can know I love you, even if you aren’t following your definition of useful. Do you understand?”

Grey eyes met green, both shimmering with unshed tears. Draco nodded and gave Harry a hesitant smile.

\--------

_one year later_

Draco was just getting the candles lit when Harry tumbled through their floo. He smiled as Harry shook off the soot and hung his Auror robes on their hook. He kicked off his boots and set them below the robe.

“Hey babe. Dinner’s done already?”

“I came home early so I had the time,” Draco said as he angled his cheek for a kiss. “How was work?”

“So long. Today was my day to duel the new recruits. You?”

“I had a breakthrough with the aconite. I’ll see if I can duplicate it before getting excited but,” he trailed off with a shrug. He drew Harry into a hug and swayed them side to side while nuzzling into his neck. “You smell so good.”

“Really? I feel dirty and gross. I think I might shower before dinner, if that’s okay with you?”

“Food’s under stasis. It’ll keep. Want company?” Draco asked as he began popping Harry’s shirt buttons open.

Harry gave him a wicked grin and dragged him to their bedroom. They traded soft kisses as they peeled clothes off. In the bathroom, Harry was surprised to find floating candles already lit and the light scent of jasmine in the air. The tub was full of steaming water, looking terribly inviting to his weary muscles.

“You are so fucking incredible!” he moaned into Draco’s neck. “How did you know?”

“Are you kidding? Washing you is my favorite first-of-the-month activity. For some reason, we never find time to share a bath during the rest of the month. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

Six months ago, a work injury left Harry bedridden for nearly a week. Draco had taken to giving him a sponge bath each night, a delicious adventure all on its own. But when his first real bath coincided with their monthly three-day abstinence, they both found it enticing in an all new way. There were so many sensory play opportunities in a bath, and Draco never tired of exploring them all.

Harry sank into the hot water, groaning as his tight muscles relaxed. Draco slipped in behind him and pulled Harry to rest against him. Draco’s hands coasted over his chest and belly while his legs rubbed along Harry’s legs. His hands ghosted over Harry’s cock, teasing him to full hardness. Soaping up a flannel, Draco slowly washed Harry’s body, periodically returning to tease his cock until Harry turned in his arms to kiss him soundly.

“Enough, you! We have two days to go so let’s pace ourselves.”

“Fine. Baby.” Draco stuck out his tongue but Harry only sucked it into his own mouth, making Draco groan.

Harry helped Draco out of the bath and they dried each other off before finding comfortable clothes to put on. They held hands on the way to the dining room and shared one last kiss before sitting down to eat.

Draco smiled at Harry across the dinner table. He loved this man with all of everything he had. Over the past year, he’d learn to let go of his fear of uselessness. Harry had shown him in many ways how much he was needed, not because he provided a service of one kind or other. 

Simply because Harry needed him near. 

Just him. Just as he was.


End file.
